The Medic Team of Death
by ukwand77
Summary: After a series of events, Pein decides that Akatsuki needs a medic team. With a man who can honestly say "A little birdy told me" and a woman who literally plays with the threads of life, will Pein come to regret the decision when the team causes more injuries than healing them? Only time tells with a medic team with such a poor survival rate they are dubbed the 'Medics of Death'.
1. Prologue

**Title: The Medic Team of Death**

**Rating: T**

**Warning: bad language, implied gore (most likely won't dwell on it and describe it if it comes along), OCs (they play a major part of the story so if you hate that, stop reading), SPOILERS FOR NARUTO, and I'll put warnings up accordingly.**

**Prologue**

Pein looked exasperatedly between his two subordinates and pinched the bridge of his nose (which was quite a feat because of all his piercings). Kakuzu and Hidan had just come back to the Akatsuki base in Amegakure to report on their mission. They had been sent on a fairly easy (well, easy for two S-class missing nin) bounty mission. Since it was so easy, Pein didn't quite grasp how this could have happened.

Kakuzu stood calmly in front of his desk with a bloody burlap sack. The sack in question was squirming like something was trying to get out. Kakuzu's other hand was roughly grasping the bodiless cussing head of Hidan.

"Kakuzu, would you like to tell me what the hell happened?"

Kakuzu looked at Hidan's swaying head in his left hand and back at Pein. "Our target was a sword user who seemed to like cutting up limbs. This idiot," he said while shaking Hidan's head around, eliciting a new round of curses out of the Jashinist, "was stupid enough to get caught in one of his traps and got dismembered."

"You could have fucking prevented it you fucking asshole! When I get back to normal, I'm fucking sacrificing you to Jashin-sama you heathen," Hidan complained/threatened.

"How come you haven't put him back together yet?" Pein questioned, completely ignoring Hidan's input toward the conversation.

Kakuzu shrugged and replied, "I like him better this way."

If Pein were a lesser man, he would have banged his head into his desk and possibly let out a manly whimper. But Pein was not that, he was the god of the new world! He could never seem so weak. Instead, he settled for pinching his nose harder and fought back the urge to strangle someone. "Please get on that then. I want him put back together before nightfall," he said dismissing them with a wave.

Once the two were gone he sat there for a moment, pushed back all his homicidal thoughts, and continued his paperwork.

* * *

A couple days passed and Kisame and Itachi came to get a briefing for a mission. As they walked in, Pein heard a loud smack and looked up from his work. This time Konan was there and she also stopped her work.

It seemed that while the team was walking into the office, Itachi had walked straight into the side of the door. Kisame looked on amused and a little concerned. "Itachi, are you okay?"

Itachi just responded with his normal "Hn" and maneuvered around the door. He lead the way to Pein's desk and didn't stop until his feet hit the edge of the desk. He then stood there coolly like he had intended for that to happen. Kisame stood a little behind Itachi, his face expressing more concern than amusement this time.

Pein and Konan sent each other a look that said _'What the fuck?'_ and turned to the duo like they hadn't done anything. The leader of Akatsuki just cleared his throat and continued with the briefing. "Do you understand?" Pein asked once he was done.

He got a nod from the two and as they turned to leave Itachi grazed his hip on the desk and Kisame asked, "Are you sure you're okay?"

Itachi spun around and looked into the direction of Kisame's voice, his Sharingon swirling dangerously. What the clan slaughtering missing-nin didn't know was that Kisame was a bit behind him so he was threatening a completely harmless wall. "I. Am. Perfectly. Fine. Kisame," and the intimidating weasel stalked out of the office, running into a potted plant next to the door before leaving.

Kisame gave Konan and Pein a look that said _"The hell!?"_ and the duo both shrugged their shoulders and continued their work. The poor fish-man went after his partner cautiously wondering what the hell was wrong with the psycho.

* * *

A week later, Sasori and Deidara came to the officer to report what had happened on their current mission. Pein was glad the artists seemed normal...until he spied Deidara's hand. It had a ice pack strapped with a bandage stuck on it. Pein let his gaze linger on it, debating whether it was worth it or not to ask. Letting his curiosity get the best of him, he asked, "Deidara, why is their an ice pack stuck to your hand?"

Deidara grinned sheepishly and used his free hand to rub the back of his head until a moment later he frowned and put it down. The hand proceeded to spit some blonde hair out and the other occupants of the room frowned in disgust. Unaware of their disgust, the blonde pointed to the ice pack while his hand was still trying to get rid of the hair in its mouth. "My other mouth-hand has a toothache, un. I was going to get it treated the next time I saw a dentist but since the last time didn't turn out so good I just put a ice pack on it, yeah."

A look of realization and amusement crossed Sasori's puppet face. "So that's why that old man at the last village was chasing you with a kunai?"

"How was I supposed to know the old coot was a retired Shinobi, yeah!" Cried Deidara with a red face.

The two argued back and forth while Pein wondered idly why he associated with such weird people. Pein cleared his throat and the bickering stopped. "Anyway, please tell me what you found out."

Once the artists finished briefing him about what happened on their mission, he sent them out. He thought about all the problems the Akatsuki teams had and had an breakthrough. When he came up with an solution, he went to see Konan for her opinion on it. She was the most stable of Akatsuki after all.

As he walked towards the office door, he stepped in Deidara's spit up hair and it made a squishing noise from underneath his foot. He grit his teeth and it took all of his self control not to rush out and kill the artist brutally.

* * *

The next day, Pein called a meeting for all the members to attend. Begrudgingly (since missing-nin don't like being told what to do) they all went to the conference hall of the base. They all sat at the oval table filling in all the seats except the two at the head of the table, those two were reserved for Pein and Konan.

When Pein and his partner entered, they saw the members either fighting or relaxing. Itachi was staring blankly ahead at Hidan who was staring back. Pein (and most of the Akatsuki) had already guessed that Itachi's sight was deteriorating. Hidan (and Tobi, but he was only Zetsu's underling, thus not considered a full member) was the only member oblivious to the fact and seemed to think that Itachi was having a staring contest with him. Kisame watched, quite amused at Hidan's ignorance, while sharpening his teeth with a nail file. Meanwhile, Kakuzu could care less about what the others were doing and was counting his money, each time he put down a coin it made a click. It was like the sound of a clock ticking. Zetsu sat there, quietly murmuring to his other half and Tobi sat in his chair, rocking back and forth like a three year old on a sugar rush. Pein realized a moment later that the only reason he wasn't running around was because someone had tied up his hands and feet. Someone else (probably the same person) had put a plastic bag over his head with one or two airholes so he wouldn't die. The artists were arguing about art as usual but Deidara had his hand on the table. He still had the ice pack on and the tips of his fingers seemed to be tinted blue.

Pein took his seat with Konan following after him. The attention of Akatsuki turned to him and he skipped pleasantries. "It has come to my attention that, with the exception of Zetsu and Tobi, every team has some kind of illness."

Hidan looked confused and asked, "What the fuck? Do we not fucking count as a fucking team?! We're fucking fine!"

"Kakuzu is fine but you're looking kinda raggedy over there," Kisame snickered.

It was true. Hidan was looking more and more like a rag doll than a human with each injury he acquired. Kakuzu's stitches littered his body after their last mission. Hidan was about to protest but Pein put his hand up, silencing them. "Since these illnesses and injuries are hindering you, I believe it is time to make an actual medic-nin join Akatsuki."

The continual click of Kakuzu counting coins stopped. "We do not have the funds for that."

"We will just have to go for more bounties. It is a investment for the future Kakuzu."

Kakuzu seemed ready to argue but Pein glared at him with his all-powerful Rinnegan. He decided it was best to give up and live to fight for his money another day. The rest of Akatsuki didn't blame him. Not many people could hold up under Pein's Rinnegan glare.

Konan pulled two files out of her cloak, opened them to the front, and pushed them into the middle of the table for everyone to see. The two files held the known information for two village-less Shinobi named Kita Minoru and Ikeda Katsumi. The first one mentioned was a young guy, probably 20 or 21, with light brown hair and purple eyes. He was lean but strong looking and his pose in the picture was confident. The latter of the two was a young woman who was on the short side. She had dark brown hair that was almost black and bright teal eyes. The woman was giving the camera a cruel smirk as she reached for a kunai. Everyone at the table (well, maybe not Tobi, fore he was quite naive) could guess what happened to the photographer after the shot was taken.

Pein leaned back in his chair and spoke. "These two will be our new recruits, our new medic team."

* * *

Right when Pein said that, in a forest somewhere in the land of fire, a young woman walked with a basket of fruit in one hand and singing a very creepy song.

_When the Devil is too busy_

_And Death's a bit too much_

_They call on me by name you see_

_For my special touch_

_To the gentlemen I'm Misfortune_

_To the ladies, I'm surprise_

_But call me by any name_

_Any way it's all the same_

She sang while holding out the last note, letting it echo in the forest. Then she picked up the speed and started skipping at ninja speed through the forest, letting her arms touch anything in her reach. Once she touched it, there was a string of light that was torn as she kept going. Whatever was at the opposite end of the light withered and died.

_I'm the fly in your soup_

_I'm the pebble in your shoe_

_I'm the pea beneath your bed_

_I'm a bump on every head_

_I'm the peel on which you slip_

_I'm a pin in every hip_

_I'm the thorn in your side_

_Makes you wriggle and writhe_

_And it's so easy when you're evil_

_This is the life, you see_

_The Devil tips his hat to me_

_I do it all because I'm evil_

_And I do it all for free_

_Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need_

_I pledge my allegiance to all things dark_

_And I promise on my damned soul_

_To do as I am told, Lord Beelzebub_

_Has never seen a soldier quite like me_

_Not only does his job, but does it happily_

_I'm the fear that keeps you waked_

_I'm the shadows on the wall_

_I'm the monsters they become_

_I'm the nightmare in your skull_

_I'm a dagger in your back_

_And extra turn upon the rack_

_I'm the quivering of your heart_

_A stabbing pain, a sudden start_

_And it's so easy when you're evil_

_This is the life, you see_

_The Devil tips his hat to me_

_I do it all because I'm evil_

_And I do it all for free_

_Your tears are all the pay I'll ever need_

She slowed down and walked slowly while swinging her arms.

_It gets so lonely being evil_

_What I'd do to see a smile_

_Even for a little while_

_And no-one loves you when you're evil..._

Suddenly she gave an evil smirk and sped through the forest while singing the ending of her creepy tune.

_I'm lying through my teeth!_

_Your tears are all the company I need!_

When she ended, she reached her destination. It was a small cottage with a young man shaking his head. "You're fucking insane, you know that right?"

"Aw, you know you love it!" The woman giggled, her teal eyes sparkling.

He snorted and closed his purple eyes as he opened the door for her to come in.

* * *

**Song: When You're Evil by Voltaire**

**Thank you for your time and please review!**


	2. Beautiful Days of Chaos

**Title: The Medic Team of Death**

**Rating: T**

**Warning: bad language, implied gore (most likely won't dwell on it and describe it if it comes along), OCs (they play a major part of the story so if you hate that, stop reading), SPOILERS FOR NARUTO, and I'll put warnings up accordingly. SPOILERS ABOUT THE AKATSUKI MEMBER'S BACKGROUND!**

**Ch. 1: Beautiful Days of Chaos**

It was a cool, beautiful day. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. That was why Kita Minoru were acting like a paranoid coot, his eyes darting around and walking stiffly. Something always happened on nice days like this.

"Minoru, calm your tits," his partner Ikeda Katsumi snorted rolling her teal eyes. "Everything's fine."

Minoru scoffed. "The last time you said that, we were chased out of Iwa with torches and pitchforks. _Torches and pitchforks_, Katsumi."

"Not my fault they have sticks shoved up their asses."

"No, but it was your fault for insulting their Kage."

"He was the one complaining about his back like a baby! What kind of Kage does that?!"

"The old kind."

"Smartass."

"I take that as a compliment," he said chuckling and adjusting his newly acquired thin-rimmed glasses.

She sighed and let that subject drop and started another. "Anyway, if you're so worried about something happening, why can't we put off our visit with that old perv for another day?"

"One does not simply cancel with a Sannin," Minoru reprimanded.

"How 'bout we be the first?"

"Lazy."

"And proud of it."

"If you can't find motivation, think about the money."

Katsumi drooled a bit before she wiped her face and had a serious face. "I can see your immense wisdom."

Minoru just shook his head. "Just don't speak with him. He just wants information that I can only get. You know, it's quite funny how you love money but stink at making business deals."

"Well sorry that we all can't have silver tongues like you."

"Apology accepted," he grinned.

Katsumi looked like she was about to snap at him but she paused. "You know what information he wants?"

"Don't know. You can never tell with him. Sometimes he just wants the best places in town to peek-" Katsumi scowled at that "-and sometimes he wants stuff to do with politics."

"I just hope he's not gonna try and convince us to join Konoha again."

Minoru grimaced. "You would think they would learn..."

They walked for a bit in silence, listening to the sounds of the forest until they heard flapping of wings overhead. The duo paused and Minoru put his arm up. Gracefully, a hawk handed on his arm/perch and nuzzled him. He softly cooed at the creature and it responded. To anyone else, it would probably look crazy, but that was Minoru's bloodline.

With his bloodline, he could talk to any animal as well as he could talk to people. He was a smooth talker and that helped the duo with making money. Minoru would talk to the animals and convince them to spy for him. Who would be suspicious of rabbits or a squirrel? Sometimes he even got burrowing creatures like moles or groundhogs to listen underground and relay what they heard. Of course this information wasn't perfect, animals could only understand humans to a certain degree, but they could tell the main points of the conversation. Then Minoru would find a person looking for information and see if he had anything that could help that certain individual with.

Katsumi was usually security. She would watch the transaction and make sure the client A) didn't cheat them, B) didn't try to kill them, or C) all of the above. Usually, she would get a important person to the customer (a daughter, husband, or even a dog) and hold on to it for ransom to make sure nothing happened. That was the condition of the duo. It wasn't like she tied them up or anything (that would be bad for business), she usually went out for a while and got ice cream or something like it. After the transaction was over, they were safely returned.

Minoru stopped talking to the hawk and looked at Katsumi. "Jiraiya is the designated meeting place."

"And the ransom?" Katsumi asked, getting serious.

"The only person accompanying him is a blonde kid."

"Wonder what his connection is with him."

Minoru stopped in mid-step with a disturbed expression. "Do you think that that Pervert might have actually gotten...laid?"

The unsaid thought of: '_Could that kid be his love child?'_ Floated in the air.

They looked at each other with horrified expressions before laughing so hard they fell to their knees. "Not even the biggest slut in the red light district would lay him for a million yen!" Katsumi laughed.

Standing up slowly, they kicked up their pace so they could meet up with Jiraiya on time. They were going to meet him at a restaurant in a small town near the boarder of fire country. Comfy and lots of witnesses in case things went sour. Unless the Sannin was into genocide, they could probably get away.

* * *

Minoru and his partner walked in slowly into the restaurant, looking around for traps. When they didn't see any, they took a table in the back that was close to the emergency exit. The duo was a little tense, but it was because they hadn't seen their customers yet.

The waitress came, and since he wasn't sure of what to get, he ordered some drinks. He didn't order any for the hostage or Katsumi because she would probably get something to eat later on.

Finally, they arrived and the white haired Sannin immediately spotted them. Minoru spotted the ransom trailing behind him. He was a fifteen or sixteen year old kid with neon yellow hair and blue eyes that was wearing an orange and black jumpsuit. _'What kind of Shinobi wears bright colors? He looks like a walking spotlight!'_ Minoru thought incredulously.

The first thing Jiraiya seemed to see was Katsumi. He got a creeper smile and little hearts for eyes as he breathed heavily. Katsumi turned pale and had a disgusted look on her face. The blonde seemed to be used to this behavior with the old man and just looked exasperated. Before Minoru could stop her, she bit out, "If you value your boys-" she gestured downward and then to her chest "-then stop looking at my girls."

"My dear, I know you're just saying that to rile me up!" the self-proclaimed super pervert smiled at her.

"Ero-Sennin!" The blonde whined and the perv gave him a glare to try to shut him up but the damage was already done.

Katsumi busted up laughing and held her sides as she hunched over in her seat. "Listen to the kid, _Ero-Sennin_!" she giggled and started laughing harder.

Minoru elbowed her in the ribs and Jiraiya's eyes seemed to lose their foolishness. Once they sat down, Jiraiya and Minoru stared at each other, sizing each other up in case their encounter ended in a battle. The kid followed the Sannin's example and looked at Minoru too, completely dismissing Katsumi. Katsumi, tired of being ignored, was the one who broke the silence by saying, "Stop ogling each other. It's disturbing."

The men all looked at her with disgusted faces which she just shrugged at. "So do you need something or can we go?"

The first one who recovered was Jiraiya. "Katsumi, my love, how you wound me so! You know I'm a super pervert who only loves women with a passion! I would never stray from my path!"

Katsumi sighed and glared at him. "I wish you were born asexual."

Jiraiya gasped and had a horrified expression etched on his face. She was about to add to her hurtful comment but Minoru gave her a glare that clearly said _'Don't mentally scar the customers until we get their money!'_ and she decided she could wait. Minoru schooled his features into a apologetic smile and said, "Sorry about my partner, she's disturbed. You know, how about Katsumi and the kid go do something while we talk business?"

Katsumi, immediately catching on, smiled sweetly but he could tell she filed away that insult to the back of her mind. They both knew he'd pay for it later. "That sounds nice! Come on little spotlight, let's get something to eat elsewhere."

It seems I'm not the only one who came to that conclusion, Minoru mused to himself. The kid bristled up and shouted to the heavens, "Spotlight?! It's Uzamaki Naruto, future Hokage of Konoha, Lady, and don't you forget it!"

"Whatever you say Spotlight. Come on, let's leave so they can get to business."

Minoru felt a ping of pity for his partner as she walked out of the restaurant with the angry Naruto who was shouting at her. He turned to Jiraiya and asked, "Does he have a off button or a least a mute button?"

Jiraiya shook his head sadly. The waitress came and brought them both cups of water and saké. Jiraiya looked up at Minoru and he shrugged. "Wasn't sure of what you would like to drink."

Jiraiya nodded. "Thank you. Now how about we get to business?"

Minoru took a long drink from his water. What did the Sannin want? The last time he approached them, he was trying to recruit them to Konoha. Unlike most Shinobi, Katsumi and him weren't trained in a village so the only alliance they had was to themselves. Most of their training was self taught or taught by close friends. They had slowly gotten more and more powerful and had control of their bloodlines. Some people from different villages had tried to recruit them through various means but none of them succeeded. Jiraiya had been one of the most polite but Katsumi still had tried to make him a eunuch.

"Before we begin, you're still not trying to recruit us are you? If you are, you're wasting your time."

"No no, I'm not recruiting you two. I love my sanity and 'boys' too much," he said with a nervous grin.

Minoru gave a nod in understanding. "I'm glad you gave up on that endeavor. Now, how can I be of service to you?"

Like Minoru had done earlier, the Sannin reached for his drink but instead of the water, he reached for the saké. "I came here for one purpose. There is a group out there that is collecting Jinchuriki. We don't know what their goal is but they must have someway of using their power. I want any information you have on this group called the Akatsuki."

Minoru pretended to wrack his brains for information, but he already knew about this group. He didn't have many clues about their origin, background, or goal but he knew most of the members.

Their leader: The New God Pein. He was apparently the leader of Ame and by judging by his title, had a god complex.

The leader's partner: God's Angel. She was apparently the only female (that he knew of) in the group. Some locals called her Konan but he wasn't sure if that was her name or not.

Uchiha Itachi: the man who murdered his entire clan save his little brother. He also possesses the Sharingon, a powerful bloodline. The man was an ANBU Captain before he lost it and he undoubtedly became more powerful during his life as a Missing-nin. More information was known about him but it didn't make him less dangerous.

Hoshigaki Kisame: one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist who wields the legendary sword Samehada. Instead of cutting it shaved away the skin. The thought brought shivers down his spine.

Akasuna no Sasori: the man who makes human puppets. He killed and gutted them after he won. (Yet another person who he wouldn't want Sasori to be the one who killed him.) Sasori was exceptionally skilled in poisons which he undoubtedly soaked his puppets in.

Deidara: a Missing-nin from Iwa that used to belong to their explosion corps. Apparently, he had a love for devastating explosions. A notable fact about him was that he was once the pupil of their Kage.

Kakuzu: a bounty hunter that always went after the biggest catches. Minoru couldn't get much on him except some advice that if Kakuzu ever came after him, then he should run like hell.

Hidan: a crazy priest with a jacked-up religion. Apparently that was all he talked about. And then he tried to kill you. What a lovely fellow.

He knew there was one more but he couldn't get any information about him/her. Minoru assumed that s/he must be a spy too because right when he thought he was getting a lead, the line went cold.

Minoru wasn't really looking to sell this particular information he got, it was too dangerous if they found out who had told. He didn't think they liked squealers very much. No, he collected this information because of the same reason a normal person read the paper. That was his way of keeping up with the world.

It might not be normal and probably very dangerous thing to do but Minoru had just enough chemical imbalance in the head to think it was fine.

"I've heard about them but all I know is that they're a group of Shinobi for fire," he lied smoothly.

Jiraiya studied him for a bit and Minoru was glad he could hold a perfect poker face. The Sannin gave up and took his lie for the truth. "That's too bad. I thought you would have known for sure. You usually know all about these kind of things."

Minoru nodded, pushing part of his shaggy hair behind his ear. "I'm sorry I don't have the information you required. Is there anything else?"

Jiraiya was just about to respond but there was a sudden chakra spike from Katsumi from the outskirts of town. Minoru nodded to the Sannin and booked it toward the source.

When he was almost there, he heard Katsumi yell an angry "Damn!"

He kicked up his pace, and when he reached a small clearing, he paled a bit and muttered out, "Damn indeed."

* * *

Katsumi wasn't sure she liked this ransom.

Ransoms either knew they were ransoms and stayed quiet like good little hostages or they didn't know and were curious about the whole affair.

This ransom didn't seem to know it but he was a annoying ball of energy. All he did was wave his arms around and shout to the heavens about how he was going to be the next Hokage or something.

She knew she shouldn't have given him that caffeinated tea. To try to get rid of his caffeine buzz, they were walking at a quick pace around the town.

If he really did become the leader of his village, she felt sorry for the villagers. Hell, at the moment, she felt sorry for anyone who had come in contact with him, period.

That was how she found herself standing in front of two people wearing black cloaks with red clouds lining and large hats standing in front of her near the edge of the town.

The shorter one on the left asked, "Are you Ikeda Katsumi?"

"It depends. Who are you?"

The shorter one looked at the taller one and nodded. The taller one took off his hat showing blue skin and sharp shark-like teeth. "We are Akatsuki and you are joining us."

The larger one unwrapped a large object from his back while his partner threw Sebon at her. One cut her cheek and she growled, "Damn!"

That was when she decided she really hated babysitting the hostage. It leads to all sorts of chaos.

* * *

**Hey everyone! Thanks for reading and please review! I apologize for any spelling mistakes, it's late and I'm not sure if I successfully weeded out all the mistakes. **

**Later!**


	3. Violent Peace Activists

**Title: The Medic Team of Death**

**Rating: T**

**Warning: bad language, implied gore (most likely won't dwell on it and describe it if it comes along), OCs (they play a major part of the story so if you hate that, stop reading), SPOILERS FOR NARUTO, and I'll put warnings up accordingly. SPOILERS FOR ITACHI**

**Ch. 2: Violent Peace Activists and Tickling the World**

Katsumi dodged the rest of the Sebon with ease. As a woman, she was naturally more flexible than the men and was very fast. She checked over her shoulder and found the kid had finally shut up. If she knew that was all it took to quiet him she would have threatened to kill him sooner, Minoru's wrath or not.

"I don't know what you want, nor do I really care. I just want you to know that I'm utterly pissed, courtesy of the orange spotlight," she stated calmly. Turning to Naruto, she commanded, "Keep up, Spotlight. Minoru will get pissed if I let you die and we lose our money."

Naruto gulped but looked determinedly at the duo. The large, blue one finished unwrapping part of his sword, revealing a scaly looking material. He gave a shark-like grin. "You can come with us peacefully or in pieces."

"Oh, you're quite the puny one my dear shark man," Katsumi grinned back.

He let out a chuckle and charged. Poor Naruto could only see a blur as he charged but Katsumi saw him coming, and at the last moment (so he wouldn't change course) she grabbed the kid and ran up a tree behind the shark-nin, stoping on one of the higher branches. She stuck her tongue and made a face. "You missed Sushi!"

He growled and moved again. Naruto moved into a taijutsu stance but Katsumi stopped him. "Get out of here now so I don't have to worry about you dying."

"But-" the loud blonde tried protesting.

"But nothing! If it makes you fell better, go get Jiraiya and Minoru. Now hurry!"

Naruto looked back, but listened to the woman's wishes. He knew Ero-Sennin respected this woman and her partner. He even told Naruto to watch out for them. What Naruto didn't understand was that he wasn't saying to watch out for their backs, but was saying that they were dangerous. But could you blame him? The kid was stupidly naive.

Meanwhile, Katsumi grinned at the prospect of fighting a strong opponent. Now that she didn't have to worry about the blonde nuisance, she could properly enjoy her fight. In truth, she didn't really worry about one of her opponents killing him (the kid was a Shinobi (according to his headband proudly displayed on his forehead) and traveling with a Sannin, he must have had some kind of training), she was worried about losing her temper and taking him out personally. Hell, her mood had already improved and the idiot hadn't even been gone a full two minutes.

As the Shinobi's sword came swinging down, she jumped to the side and flipped off her perch in the tree. His sword came crashing down and ripped the tree's limb off. Katsumi let off a low whistle at the damage.

The Shinobi smiled again. "I see you're interested in my sword."

She bit back her dirty comeback in favor of appreciating the sword. "A bit odd looking but it certainly gets the job done. I noticed it doesn't cut clean though...?"

"Samehada's a special sword that shaves instead of cutting."

"You know, I could've sworn that I heard about a sword like that before..." Katsumi pondered as he charged the third time.

The two started a deadly dance of him attacking and her dodging. She specialized in acrobatics and speed but failed in direct fighting and her strength was average. The thing that made her deadly was her bloodline. If she wanted it to be, it could be a one hit kill. Fortunately for the Shinobi, she was like a cat playing with a mouse. She'd usually give her prey a chance before going for the kill.

The two separated and stood a ways from each other. Both were panting and wearing disturbing grins. "You're quite light on your feet Kunoichi."

"Right back at ya' Twinkle Toes."

Katsumi then heard the sound of water surging behind her and she punched behind her before flipping away. All the two missing-nins saw was her punching the shark-man's water clone and it started to contort and wither until it disintegrated back into water. Katsumi got an entirely different perspective.

As she punched the water clone, she pulled a thread from it and cut it with a bit of her chakra. This thread was her bloodline. She could touch any living thing and take a slice of its chakra which she called its thread of life. Once she had it, she could see if the victim's life was about to end, and if it was, she would cut the thread with some other chakra. She was the only one who could see it and cut it. When she held the string, she could see the name of the victim and how long they had left to live. If they had a life threatening illness, she could also see it eating away the thread. Of course this technique had its drawbacks but it was a great asset in battle. Once she cut the thread, the victim would rapidly age until they were nothing but dust.

When Katsumi touched the water clone, she saw the name Hoshigaki Kisame. That's when the organization Akatsuki clicked in her head. Minoru had warned her about them before saying that they were insanely dangerous. _'What did Minoru say about them? Oh yeah, they travel in pairs. Who was shark-dude's partner again? Umm, wasn't it that insane Uchiha?... This can't be good,'_ Katsumi thought to herself.

"Kisame. Stop playing and capture her already. I grow bored of this," the crazy Uchiha stated in monotone after watching the Kunoichi's dangerous technique. _'Oh, so your crazy, but not stupid, huh?'_ Katsumi mentally smirked.

"But she's pretty good for a medic-nin, Itachi," Kisame complained.

"Oh, stop it. You're making me blush!" Katsumi gushed.

Kisame looked at her, a little disturbed as the Uchiha jumped down from his hiding place in the trees and landed next to his partner in crime. He then threw off his hat and stared at her with his eyes from hell spinning dangerously. "Do not play with us Kunoichi. Now tell me where your partner is so we can depart."

Katsumi had to admit the duo _did_ look a little badass. "Woah, where is this 'we' stuff coming from?"

"The Akatsuki is recruiting you and your friend, Shortie. You don't have a choice in the matter," Kisame stated cheerfully while he hefted his sword upon his shoulder.

"One: I think I do have a say in this matter. Two: Don't call me that; it'll give me a complex!" Katsumi pouted.

The combo started forward and Katsumi panicked a bit. She could handle one of them but both of them? She wasn't too sure. "Hey Minoru... I kinda need some help here!"

The Akatsuki looked as Minoru emerged from his hiding spot and glared. "Why? You seem fine."

"So you were gonna wait until I was dying to come out and help me?!"

"That sounds about right."

"You ass!"

"Geez, Katsumi. I know it's attractive but you shouldn't be so focused on it. I mean, we're in a life and death situation here, at least wait till later," Minoru teased her.

"You're a raging Pervert and a coward!"

"Now, now. Be careful with that temper, you might hurt someone. And, for your information, I was talking to Yuri."

Katsumi temporarily forgot about their opponents. "Yuri?"

"You know, that lovely lady we met on our way to town?"

"Oh you mean that chicken?"

"Katsumi! Don't insult ladies! Just because you can never be one doesn't mean that you have to be so mean!"

"I'm not insulting her if she's an _actual chicken_," Katsumi scoffed thinking about the chicken Minoru had bonded with before entering town. She would never understand why he insisted to talk to every animal that came along.

"I knew what you meant but I couldn't resist the temptation of insulting you."

"The hell?" Kisame murmured as his targets bickered with one another. If they heard him, they gave no sign of responding to his comment.

"Whatever you dick."

"Do not speak of what you cannot comprehend," Minoru smoothly returned.

She thought about it for a moment and then grimaced. "Oh that's just nasty!" She said, obviously disgusted.

"Will you please _shut up?!_" a disgruntled Kisame yelled at them as his partner stared at them with only a slight raise of his brow to convey any emotion he had.

Katsumi was about to respond but she suddenly tensed.

Have you ever had a feeling that everything was going to go to hell? Like you were going to a party with your friends decently clothed and planning to have a good time but you had a nagging voice in the back of your head telling you to book it while you still could? Then, stupidly, you ignored that wise voice and went on your merry way? When you woke up the next morning, you were in a jail cell, covered in sparkles, had a killer headache, a new haircut, and a tramp stamp tattoo that wasn't there before that said 'John and Amy Forevas' (and your name wasn't John or Amy)? And then you wondered why you didn't listen to that genius voice in the back of your head that told you to book it? Well, that might have not have happened to you, but the concept still applies.

Katsumi had one of those feelings.

And that was when Naruto and Jiraiya popped into the already chaotic scene.

* * *

Itachi really didn't know what to think when Pein told Kisame and him to take the new Akatsuki medics. Apparently Pein had decided that he was a great recruiter since he "persuaded" Deidara to join. It would have been fine if A) they had some important information about the duo or B) had any idea where they might be. But, like most things in life, it couldn't be that easy.

Instead, they had outdated information (the folders that they had about them were a little more than a year old) and Pein had narrowed down their search to the Shinobi continent. Upon hearing that, he desperately wanted to sarcastically comment that he thought they would be on the Civilian continent but he bit his tongue. He was a proud Uchiha, dang it, and he wouldn't dare complain.

Instead of glaring at the Akatsuki leader like he wanted to, he stood proudly like the genius he was and set off to work. Two weeks of bribing Zetsu, researching, black mailing, and threatening later, he now had an idea of where to find the elusive Shinobis. He grabbed his partner (who had done most of the threatening) and journeyed to a town by the edge of fire country.

When they arrived, they searched the town for the Shinobi, hoping that they could catch them here. The first one was quite easy to spot because her walking companion was bouncing around the street. Ikeda Katsumi was a short woman with gracious curves that most Kunoichi didn't have. She had the dark brown hair, bright teal eyes, and feral look in her eyes that was in the picture but that was it. She wore a loose dark blue tank top with thin straps with a mesh long-sleeved shirt, black shorts that went to her thigh, and a belt that had a demented smiley face for a buckle along with a hip pouch on her left leg like most Shinobi had. Ikeda had acquired a tattoo on the outer side of her right leg that made her leg look like a decorative wood craving too.

Kisame had let off a low whistle when he saw her but she had fired a kunai so fast it had nearly cut him. It appeared it was a reflex action and it left Kisame pissed off. Itachi knew that now Kisame was going to fight her no matter what so he could salvage his manly pride. If he was a Nara, he would say it was troublesome.

He then recognized her companion as the Kyuubi Jinchuriki.

_'Are you kidding me?!_' Itachi mentally scowled to the gods. He had been trying to avoid the capture of the Kyuubi for the sake of Konoha and his little brother and now it just pops up in front of him? All he received was a disturbed Kisame asking him if he was alright because he was glaring at the sky. Kisame received a terrifying Sharingon glare in his direction. That just seemed to worry his partner even more because he wasn't glaring at Kisame, but a wall near him.

He really had to use less of his Mangekyou Sharingon, but so many people were more cooperative with the use of Tsukuyomi. It probably didn't help his illness either. Now that he thought of it, he was probably a walking medical disaster. Even though he was going through this, getting a medic for Akatsuki wasn't what he really wanted. He wanted to die for his sins, preferably by his little brother's hands. The illness and his deteriorating sight were just some punishments he received because of his deeds.

The Akatsuki team followed the duo and Kisame smirked at the growing frustration on Ikeda's face as the Kyuubi vessel bounced and babbled. When they got to the edge of the town, they made their appearance. "Are you Ikeda Katsumi?" Itachi asked to make sure of her identity.

She just glared and tilted her head to the side while pointing her finger at them. "Who are you?"

Itachi took this as a yes and nodded at Kisame. Kisame took off his hat and grinned, "We are Akatsuki and you are joining us."

As Kisame unwrapped part of his sword, Itachi threw some Sebon to prevent her from attacking. One cut her cheek and she growled, "Damn!"

For the rest of the fight, Itachi sat up in one of the trees near fight, watching and observing. He hoped Kisame would hurry up and finish it because he heard her mention Jiraiya to the Jinchuriki and he didn't want a repeat of what happened at their last encounter. Deidara had laughed at him for a whole week.

The encounter had taught him that she was a established Shinobi, probably around Jounin level. She also seemed to have a quick tongue that seemed to egg Kisame on. With a little more training she could really be something. Well, that was Itachi's opinion until she touched a water clone of Kisame and it shriveled up and died before it released. It was a terrifying technique to say the least. One touch and instant death. The most disturbing thing was that she was wearing a sickening smile during the whole thing. She was obviously disturbed.

When Itachi and Kisame both rounded her, Itachi noted that she panicked a little. She called out for her partner, and right when he was about to tell her no one was coming, out popped their second target. _'When did he get there?'_ Itachi wondered silently. Judging by his partner's face, he didn't sense him either.

Kita Minoru was a lean but strong man with light brown hair that he put in a short high ponytail and purple eyes. He wore a white T-shirt with brown jacket with fur on the hood, classic brown Shinobi pants, and thin-wired glasses. He walked confidentially and had a smirk on his face as he pushed his glasses up.

The pair then had one of the strangest conversations he had ever heard. And he had heard some really strange conversations.

(Back at the Akatsuki base, Deidara and Hidan sneezed at the same time.)

Finally Kisame snapped. "Will you please _shut up?!_"

Ikeda seemed like she was about to comment but then tensed. In reaction, so did everyone else. That was when the Toad Sannin and the Kyuubi Jinchuriki popped into the scene. On the far side of the clearing stood the clan-slaughtering Uchiha genius and one of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, two untitled Shinobi in the middle, and one of the Sannin and a jailer for the most powerful monster known, the Kyuubi near the town.

"Minoru, Katsumi, come over here!" commanded the Sannin.

"Resistance is futile. Come with us and no one will get hurt," Itachi tried to threaten.

Kita Minoru seemed like he was going to go over to the Sannin, but his partner stopped him. "Why the hell do you need us to come with you?"

"Akatsuki needs some medics," Kisame stated earning a glare from the Uchiha.

Teal and purple eyes met and they both started laughing. "Us!? The Medics of Death?!" laughed Kita.

"Not our place to say whether you're qualified or not," Kisame laughed along with them.

Kita was about to continue but the Sannin interrupted. "What are you two doing talking to them?! This is the group I was talking about! They're highly dangerous criminals!"

"So? You're not my father, you can't tell me what to do," Ikeda huffed.

"You really can't. She didn't even listen to her own Dad," Kita added.

"What are you talking about? There isn't another choice! They're crazy and anyone who considers their deal is too!" the loud blonde added.

Ikeda hummed as if she was thinking. Kita looked at her in disbelief before groaning. "You've got to be kidding me!" he muttered before turning and pointing at the Sannin and young blonde. "I blame all my problems from this point on, on you two idiots! You two just had to say that there wasn't another choice and you had to be crazy for even considering their proposal!"

The two mentioned look confused and a little offended, but before they could respond, Ikeda asked the Akatsuki Duo, "I think I've made my decision but I need to ask one question. What is the Akatsuki's goal?"

"We are an organization who will take over this world to bring peace," Itachi informed. The Toad Sannin looked surprised at that bit of information.

"So...you think that tickling the world will bring...peace? Man, you're more messed up than me."

Que Kita's facepalm.

"Umm...no. Take. Over. The world, not tickle it," Kisame corrected when he saw his partner's eyebrow twitch.

Ikeda chuckled, embarrassed and Kita pondered their statement. "So, basically...you're a bunch of violent peace activists?"

Itachi and Kisame stared at the odd duo before glancing a each other. Kisame cleared his throat before answering. "Well, if you put it that way...yeah."

Ikeda gave a big, feral grin that made psychopaths everywhere feel proud and scared at the same time. "If that's the case, where do we sign up?"

Kita's palm met his face for a second time and sighed. "Yay. You know I always wanted to join a criminal organization of violent peace activist who wanted to tickle the world," he bit out, sarcasm oozing out of every word.

"Really?! Me too!" Ikeda giggled.

Everyone present looked at her as if she was insane. Itachi wondered if some god up there with a sick sense of humor thought this was a good way for him to repent for his sins.

* * *

**Hey everyone! Thanks for reading! Please follow and review too! Also, I'd like to give credit for the "Tickling the World" joke to my bestie who misheard me when I was telling her about the Akatsuki. After she said that, we completely creeped out anyone within hearing distance with our insane laughter. The guys who sit across from us at lunch still won't talk to us.**


	4. Animal Rights

**Title: The Medic Team of Death**

**Rating: T**

**Warning: bad language, implied gore (most likely won't dwell on it and describe it if it comes along), OCs (they play a major part of the story so if you hate that, stop reading), SPOILERS FOR NARUTO, and I'll put warnings up accordingly. LIGHT SPOILERS FOR PEIN. **

**Since I totally forgot to add this to all my other chapters, I don't own Naruto. Just my OCs.**

**Ch. 3: Animal Rights**

Ikeda Katsumi could admit she didn't like being told what to do. That flaw in her mind was what led her into very odd situations as she got older. Like the time her parents told her not to play with the ball in the house or the time they told her not to play with fire. One obviously had done more damage than the other (she was three, she didn't know that houses were flammable!) but they learned to not boss her around. In fact, that was one of the main reasons she didn't want to join a village. She only listened to Minoru because he was like her brother and best friend.

So when that old pervert and the blonde kid told her it was a stupid idea to go with the Akatsuki, that little voice in her head that hated being told what to do told her to consider it. She weighed her options for a second before asking the crimminals just what their goal was. Since their answer was satisfactory, it came to the case of who was pissing her off most at the moment: the naive blonde idiot and the self-proclaimed super pervert or the creepy, insane Uchiha and the S-rank Guppy with a sword. Her decision was made for her when Minoru asked, "So, basically...you're a bunch of violent peace activists?"

When Itachi and Kisame stared at them and glanced at each other, she thought it was perfectly hilarious. Kisame cleared his throat before answering. "Well, if you put it that way...yeah."

She gave her widest grin, not caring about their creeped out expressions. If she agreed to this, she was sure that her life wouldn't get boring anytime soon. "If that's the case, where do we sign up?"

And that was how Minoru, Itachi, Kisame, and her were running from the goody-two-shoes who were riding huge-ass _frogs_. When they got far enough away from the town, Minoru yelled out something in the frog's language which made then pause for a second. Taking advantage of that second, Itachi used a powerful fire jutsu that set the surrounding forest on fire. The forest fire caused their pursuers to stop and try to contain it. Katsumi would never forget the face of the Toad Sannin when she blew a raspberry at him while she ran away. Priceless.

When they were a safe distance away, Minoru smacked her on the back of the head. "What the hell was that for?"

"The pervert deserved it!" She whined.

"If you had egged him on and he kept following us, I would've tripped you."

Katsumi gasped. "Minoru! You wouldn't!"

"Try me."

"If that does happen, I would have to ask you not to do that. It would be difficult to recover her again," Itachi said, adding his two cents.

"See! Itachi's on my side!" She grinned.

"I would prefer if you didn't call me so informally, Ikeda-san."

"Aww, you don't have to be so shy Itachi! You can call me Katsumi and killjoy over there Minoru! The same goes for you Kisame!"

The shark chuckled at his partners discomfort. "Sure, Katsumi."

"I can already tell this is the beginning of a wonderful relationship!" She smiled back while her partner groaned. "So, what's first on the agenda shark buddy?"

Kisame snorted at her. It wasn't often you found a person like this. "First we're going back to the Akatsuki base. You guys aren't members yet so you two are gonna have to meet with leader first and have a test to see if you can actually heal."

Minoru scoffed. "Of course we can heal! We're medic-nins, it's our job."

"But you also called _yourselves_ the 'Medics of Death'," Kisame countered.

"Touché."

"Dont worry, we can heal. That's just a nickname we picked up at this hospital," Katsumi tried to reassure.

"She's the actual 'Medic of Death', and that's only when it's a life-threatening situation. If it ever comes to that I'll be the one operating."

"He's pretty good even though he has anger issues. You're in good hands nonetheless," she grinned.

"Hear that Itachi? Looks like we found some keepers!" Kisame laughed. There was no response. That was when the three Shinobi realized that the Uchiha was no longer in the building, probably having enough of their conversation. The three ran after him, two laughing at him and one sighing at their antics. It seemed no matter where Minoru went, there was no escaping psychos and weirdos.

* * *

**The Next Day:**

Katsumi woke up and stretched her muscles. She was never very good at sleeping for long periods of time. She was more of a nap girl; taking naps throughout the day was one of her great pleasures.

The odd group traveled on to the base of Akatsuki in the Hidden Village of Rain. Since they had already been on the boarder of Fire Country, they only had to travel a little ways to get to their destination. Which was probably a good thing 'cause it seemed that Itachi looked ready to kill Kisame and her, partnership be damned. As she stretched, she took in her surroundings, her eyes lingering on her two new traveling companions.

She liked Kisame a lot. He had the same type of sarcastic humor as her and he seemed much more relaxed than his partner. She was sure that they would get along...swimmingly. His partner was a different story. Itachi was as quiet as they come and showed no emotions on his face. Katsumi could understand a good poker face around new people but this was a little much.

Then she observed her partner, lying peacefully. She smiled a bit but that turned to a pouting frown quickly when she remembered all the insults he had thrown at her lately. She was a lady goddammit (albeit only when it suited her) and she demanded respect in front of strangers. She was the only one allowed to embarrass herself and that was final.

As she thought of some good, old fashioned revenge, she heard the Mad Uchiha get up. He blinked sleepily at her and gave a curt nod (a least she thought it was a nod; it was so minuscule she couldn't really tell if it was a nod or a neck spasm) and slowly stood up. Katsumi just gave a grin. "Morning, Itachi!" she greeted after a moment of deciding whether to call him Sleeping Beauty or not. She doubted the Ice Prince would respond to her.

He did nothing in return (just like she predicted) and just opened some crackers for breakfast. Katsumi just looked at him incredulously. "_That's_ for breakfast?"

Itachi just gave another nod and she snorted delicately (in her opinion). "Crackers are not a breakfast food. I'm gonna get some real food," she said standing and starting to head out into the forest. Itachi froze and then started to follow her. "Ice Prince, I would say chill but I'm afraid you would just freeze. I'm not gonna run away, I'm just gonna hunt some poor, defenseless animals. I'll be back in a minute."

She had just thought of the perfect revenge.

* * *

It was fifteen minutes later and Itachi was starting to worry he had done the wrong thing in letting the crazy lady out into the world. He turned on his Sharingan and the world became slightly less blurry. He didn't want to leave his partner with an unknown Shinobi while he slept (for all he knew, Minoru was faking it, waiting for Katsumi to lure Itachi off so he could slit Kisame's throat). Instead, he circled the rim of the camp and kept an eye out for Katsumi.

That's when some rustling in the bushes along with some squawking and cursing.

He watched, mildly disturbed as the bushes around the camp rustled. Eventually the commotion stopped with a final squawk and a cry of "I've got you now!"

A minute later, an insanely smiling Katsumi came out with some blood on her clothes, brown feathers in her hair, and dragging a dead bird (he thought it might be a turkey) by the neck. "You see, Itachi? Now _this _is what I call breakfast."

He just shook his head and sat down next to the tree he was sitting at earlier. It didn't really bother him, Hidan had dragged back worse. Itachi watched as she prepared the bird and started a fire. It seemed that she did it a lot because the bird was already being cooked thirty minutes later.

As the bird cooked, Kats- no, bad Itachi - _Ikeda_, hummed a tune known only to her and looked at the clouds, sometimes glancing at the bird. She didn't start up a conversation, which Itachi supposed was a good thing because he wouldn't have answered her anyway.

It wasn't until the bird started to emit some wonderful aromas that Kisame decided to wake up. Usually Itachi woke him up earlier but he cut his partner some slack today; this mission wasn't one that needed to be rushed. In fact, going at a slower pace allowed them to see what the two recruits were like. It certainly didn't have anything to do with the fact that Kisame was scary when you woke him up. Not at all. Who told you such a ridiculous lie? An Uchiha scared of a man with abnormally sharp teeth and his eyes rolled back like a shark when he was semi-awake? Pssh. No.

Ahem. _Anyway..._

Kisame yawned and propped up his head with his arm. "What's cooking, good lookin'?"

Ikeda laughed and said, "I caught a bird. It'll be ready in a while."

"Isn't that supposed to take a long time?"

"Usually, but I just caught a bird on the smaller size. It'll still be enough to feed us but It's just faster to cook."

Kisame nodded seeing the wisdom in that. He stretched and gave a full toothed smile to Itachi. "Good morning, Partner." Itachi gave another nod. Ikeda rolled her eyes at him.

That's when Kita started to wake up. He blinked sleepily at them and mumbled something. "Morning, Minoru!" Ikeda greeted.

He paused for a moment, looking at Ikeda's bloodstained clothes. For some odd reason, she started to smirk. When his glance went to the bird, Kita's face lost his color. "What did you do, Katsumi?!"

"Got us some breakfast."

"HOW COULD YOU?! HE HAD SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!" Kita said with a heartbroken expression on his face.

"Hmm. You know, I bet it did."

"YOU CRUEL, HEARTLESS PERSON!"

"Isn't that kind of repetitive?" she asked Kisame.

He just shrugged back at her. "WHAT CAUSED YOU TO COMMIT THIS HORRENDOUS CRIME?!" he asked, pointing to the nicely cooking bird with a shaking finger.

"One: I was hungry. I didn't want to eat those nasty crackers the Ice Prince-" que Kisame's snort, "-was eating. Two: you were mean to me yesterday!"

Itachi and Kisame watched with curiosity as Kita's face filled up with realization. "SO YOU KILLED TO GET BACK AT ME?!"

"...Yup," Ikeda said unashamedly. Itachi had an urge to roll his eyes.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?"

"Says the guy who kills people for money."

"But those are people! Who cares about them, really? And they all did bad stuff before! Besides, I love animals! So much nicer than people. You know how I feel about hunting."

"Yeah, I know," Ikeda shrugged. The unspoken '_That's why I did it_' hung in the air.

That's when Kita pounced on Ikeda. The Akatsuki tensed, ready to fight. Meanwhile, Ikeda just laughed and moved out of the way. Itachi had to admit she was fast; she was as least or even faster than him.

"Stay still so I can kill you!" growled Kita.

"Yeah, how about...No."

"Now, now. Don't kill each other yet, at least wait till you join Akatsuki," Kisame laughed.

Itachi quirked a eyebrow at his partner but agreed nonetheless. "Cease this senseless."

Kita just glared at them and sat back down; albeit muttering about carnivorous partners with chemical unbalance. Ikeda sat back down and explained, "Minoru doesn't like humans that much. Thinks they're a bunch of liars," she paused considering it. "I suppose we are. Wow, we're a fail of a race. Anyway, because of that, he has a...special attachment to animals. Does Minoru's file have a section on it about his abilities?"

"It says he's an accomplished spy."

Ikeda raised her eye brow, expecting the mad Uchiha to say more. "That's all, shortie. That and his description is all we got."

"You guys only had a statement about us and our descriptions?" she asked. With their nods, she smirked. "Oh, you two are good."

"You see this? This is perfection, baby," Kisame grinned, gesturing to his body.

Ikeda snorted and was about to respond to him but Kita beat her to it. "My main jutsus are centered around them. I would prefer if you didn't harm or hunt animals-" que glare at Ikeda "-around me. Or at all. I'm not picky."

"He's even a vegetarian," Ikeda added for good effect.

Itachi nodded and Kisame grinned. "Got 'cha."

"Now that you know, I think that bird is ready."

Ikeda took the bird off the fire and asked the duo is they wanted some. They said yes and she started to carve the bird. The whole time Kita glared daggers at it. Right before Ikeda took a bite of it, she noticed Kita. "What, you want a piece of it or something?"

"No, I'd rather give it a proper burial."

"Well you can bury your piece. The rest of us are going to digest it."

Kita lunged for her again.

Ikeda's laughter rung out across the clearing.

* * *

Minoru looked at the intimidating leader of the Akatsuki glare at him and Katsumi after giving the medics his proposition. Okay, let's rewind this a little.

After Katsumi pulled her little stunt, they left for the base. He still didn't understand why Katsumi wanted to eat all that greasy meat. One day he would make her see the light and become a vegetarian. It was only a matter of time.

It turned out that the Akatsuki base was underneath Ame's town hall. Who would've thunk it? As they arrived, they didn't see any Akatsuki members but when they were in the town hall they saw plenty of people bustling about. What the duo wasn't expecting was to be taken to the village leader's office.

In there, they met a man with orange hair and many piercings. The man sat with his hands intertwined and his head resting on them; his eyes were closed. He was kind of intimidating but then Minoru realized that he was wearing an Akatsuki cloak. Itachi and Kisame left the room (Kisame waved at both of them and directed Itachi away from a wall that Minoru thought he might have been aiming to walk into) and they looked at the man sitting at a desk filled with paperwork. He had a window in his that gave the room a odd lighting from the dreary day outside. Since the man's presence demanded attention, Minoru hadn't noticed a blue haired woman standing by his side who was also dressed in Akatsuki robes.

Without preamble, the orange-haired man began: "I am Pein, leader of the Akstsuki-" he then gestured to the woman on the right "-and this is Konan, my partner." He then opened his eyes and made Katsumi gasp and Minoru stiffen.

His eyes were a light purple with dark purple rings. He then looked straight at them and seemed to glare at them out of reflex. _This man is intimidating as fuck,_ Minoru thought with a shudder.

"Holy shit, your eyes are _awesome_!" Katsumi said after the initial shock, completely awed with the man.

Minoru wished he could just take her outside and stab her a few times for being weird and stupid.

Surprisingly, the stern faced woman - Konan - cracked a slight smile (well, really it was more like a twitch of the lips). Katsumi's returning smile was bright. Pein didn't react at all (other than blinking) and plowed on, "What do you think of the Akatsuki?"

"So far? All I know is that you're a bunch of violent peace activists that need healers," Katsumi responded without a beat of silence.

This time, Minoru stamped on her foot. "That was tastelessly said but in essence, yes, we only know your main goal of world peace."

Pein nodded. "We plan to capture the tailed beasts to force the world into peace."

"Ah, so you're going to force them into submission," Minoru nodded as he pushed up his glasses. "Probably the only way that'll work. And even then you'll still have the occasional person that'll go rogue."

"Have any solutions for that problem?"

"We'll deal with it when it comes up," interjected Konan smoothly.

"Woot, procrastination for the win," Katsumi giggled.

Minoru paused for a moment and thought it over. Just one thing didn't make sense to him. "We aren't members yet, so why are you telling us all this?"

Katsumi snorted and patted his head. "Sometimes your so naive it's adorable. If he decides we aren't up to par or we don't want to cooperate, he'll just end us." She turned to the man and his partner and Minoru was reminded that, even though she was weird as hell and had no sense of danger, she was a formidable woman. "Am I right?"

If Minoru had been expecting a tense silence or something, he was completely wrong. Without a glimpse of nervousness, Pein said, "Of course."

The medic duo just nodded their heads. What else could they have done? "Now, how can we join? Kisame said something about a test?" Minoru asked.

"My proposition is that you both be tested to see if you're worthy. If you're competent, then one of you will be part of Akatsuki. The other will be an ally to the group. You two will still travel as partners, but there can only be ten members at one time."

"What's the test?"

"I'll take you to the hospital here and observe how you work. If I deem you satisfactory, then you're in," Konan intervened.

"Now, if you dont have any questions, we'll start the testing."

Katsumi was quiet for a second but she nodded her head. Konan just led the way, expecting them to follow her. Pein just ignored them and continued what he was doing previously. Minoru sighed as he thought about what happened the last time they were at a hospital. "Why do I feel like this could end in catastrophe?" Minoru grumbled as he followed the females.

* * *

"So, how did it go?" Pein asked curiously.

"It was one of the most disturbing things I have ever seen in my life," Konan deadpanned.

"What happened?"

Konan shook her head in disbelief. "It was chaos. They ran around the hospital like they owned it, yelling at the employees, stealing things they liked, busting in on surgeries and taking over, arguing over the patients' beds and then yelling at the patients that interrupted them, and worst of all, they took patients on 'joy rides'."

Pein simply raised his eyebrow. "That sounds...ominous."

"Katsumi sneaked up behind the people that were in wheel chairs and pushed them down the hall and yelled, 'joy ride time!' In short, they pillaged the place."

"What about the other one?"

"Minoru was just as bad, but in a different way. He would talk very sweetly to the old ladies and at first I thought that he was just being nice. It turns out that he was actually squeezing himself into their wills so he could get their money! Nagato, he was conning grandmas!"

Pein's frowned. "So they're not the people we're looking for?"

"No, on the contrary, they were amazing healers. They were quick, efficient, and very good at distracting their patients with bantering back and forth. They're what we were promised, but they're pretty crazy."

"And who isn't in this organization?" asked the leader of said organization.

She just nodded at him. "I see your point. I'll show them to their rooms and we'll decide who actually joins later."

She left the room to just that and Pein went on doing paperwork. What they didn't know was that by accepting the medics, they had changed the whole game plan for their world. In another timeline, Konan didn't say that they passed and it all stopped right there. But because of one little plot change, the world was destined for a different path.

Somewhere out in the universe, a man called Kishimoto Masashi sneezed.

* * *

**PSSH, who told you I was one of the biggest procrastinators the world has ever seen? I did? Well, the cat is out of the bag now.**

**Sorry I took so long. I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and please review! Reviewing makes my day and I write more 'caused I get all plumped up. PUMP IT UP!**


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